Untitled on Tuesday

 

There is no use being wakeful today
No reason to go outside and feel the sun’s warm rays on my skin as they make their way to the grass at my feet

My eyes arrogantly loathe the beauty beyond my window

Instead, they stare, blankly, at the wall as images of freedom capture my mind

I am angry; I hate myself because it all seems beyond my reach

Perhaps I should try a little harder

Take another pill

But I know what my only real answer is

When I’m ready, I’ll seek it out

And, at long last, I will know freedom in its purest form

Little Liars 



A bottle of Cuervo on the table speaks to me in gentle tones
The amber liquid shines in the sunlight that pours in through the window, as lovely as anything I’ve ever seen

I pick up my handbag to retrieve my afternoon dose of magic pills

They rattle around, sounding a bit like rain on a tin roof

Carefully, I pick from each bottle and a rainbow of chemical serenity appears, like candy, in the palm of my hand 

Staring at them for a moment of quiet observation

I note how many more there are than there used to be

I am disappointed in myself

I am concerned 

Little liars they are, one and all

Breaking every promise made 

Crushing every hope of being free of this ungodly pain

Even so, I toss them into my mouth, then I crack open the Cuervo and wash them down

They hit me in an explosion of warmth as I sit back and enjoy the numbness that will soon follow 

As my life fades to black before my eyes, I am grateful for the numbness

Longing for the day that it takes my hand and leads me beyond the Veil 

Early Morning Memories 

Silence prevails on this Mayberry morning 

Lending itself to my torment

As light dawns upon this lovely place

Darkness digs in its hellish heel

As I dance with your memory

To a song, unwritten 

Its lyrics linger on a gulf breeze

Forever caressing the shore of an old beach in Texas 

It’s The Little Things

Thursday’s silver song played background to a night of Hell’s making 

Tossing and turning;

Hitting and clawing at things unseen

The Hag stole my breath as devils stole my dreams

I died, throughout the night, again and again 

I could not move

I could not breathe

I was guest of honor at an unholy feast

Lying there, prone, with no possible defense

A sanguine cupcake,

Wondering what it all meant

I begged God to save me, at dawn’s first light

Yet He left me there to fight my own fight

A few hours later, they all went their way

The Hag and the devils; exhausted from play

My eyes opened, at last, and I caught, quickly, my breath

Still hearing that laughter

The room smelled of death

As I gathered my wits to begin my day

The devils faded and I saw your face

I should have known

Without any surprise

That thirty years in the ground

Does not mean that you died 

~

I promise you this

When I draw my last breath

Finally, free in the great Neverafter

I will come for you 

I will come for you 
Blood by blood, until it sleeps…a promise made is one to keep. 

Manic Me 

​Heart and mind race

The world screams past

So much to do 

So much to say

Life is beautiful today

The largeness of it all is nearly paralyzing

Ideas fly through my mind, each new thought crashing into those that came before

An electric heap of energized me, buzzing about my brain 

And it continues on in a hizzy tizzy dayglow display just behind my eyes

Tracers and twinkles paint their masterpiece as my thoughts dance through time and space

Leaving my ears ringing to a silver song that plays so loudly I can feel it in my bones

Dreams and hopes envelope my brain so tightly that I can feel their embrace

I can’t breathe from the excitement of it all

I’ve no idea what will come next

Nor do I care

I could live in this internal wonderland for as many as my days on this earth shall be 

Thursday Feels Alive


​The Mayberry sun blesses my tired eyes, though my heart still much prefers the darkness. An undeniably beautiful thing, that sun; Life giving and gracious, it is welcome by critters and birds and every such precious thing. As I watch them go about their morning busywork, making ready for what Life has for them today, not even I can deny that the hand of God rests upon them.

When Shines The Sun 

​Thoughts dance through my mind at lightning speed

Considering all that was, and what is meant to be

I want to sing and drive fast and dance till I’m spent

I want to feel the love that lingers in a good man’s kiss

I am laughing and excited as I write these lines

But shadows remain…it’s a matter of time

All these feelings will fall by the way

For the door closes quickly on such lovely days 

I’ll turn on a dime

And it’s back to Hell for me

Back to vantablack reality

Where joy is indistinguishable from pain

Just as insanity from sane

I’ll begin to long for my end, once more

There will be nothing

And I mean nothing

Worth living for

But, for this time, I will enjoy the embrace

Of carefree joy

And the sun on my face 

Tuesday

Sun rapes night; night gives way

My eyes open to its glare

I’ve awoken to yet another day

I’m still here

I draw breath

I can move

Goddammit 

The sun may have won this day

But it only steels my determination

To complete my ending, at long last

To lay to rest this abomination 

To finally subdue the endless me

To remove myself from the collective we

I know now that there will be blood

There will be adequate pain, as well

But neither could possibly hurt as much

As one more day in this Hell

Morbid Sing-Song

I’m fighting a battle I’m not certain I’ll win

When I go to bed, I pray I’ll die

When I wake, I pray it again

But you can only ask God for so much

Lest He consider you greedy

And you cannot tell a friend of the pain that you feel

Because it only makes you seem needy

Besides, there are no words to express 

This all consuming pain

And there is no way that you can speak

When your tears fall as the rain

One day, you think God will hear your prayers

Though you’re not sure you can hold out that long

Today, you try to hold it together

Today, you try to be strong

But it’s clear in your mind

That time’s running out

Clearly you’re at your end

Though nobody knows

Because you won’t say so

To father, mother, or friend 

If I had one wish that I knew would come true

I’d wish my family would understand

That one can only do what she must

When she’s taken all that she can


…and in the hour of my death… 

Monday 

She measured, carefully.

Balancing the scale between those who loved her, truly, and those who did not.

One by one, familiars were cautiously placed upon the great scale.

At the very last, it was time for her to take her own place upon the scale, yet, she could not.

Hands at her side, she stood, frozen, for all time;

Alone to consider a truth that she could not fathom.