a.m.

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He’s sitting in his chair this morning. The usual look of disdain lies like a blanket across his face. I know he doesn’t love me anymore. I cannot say that the feeling, or lack thereof, is not returned. All the ‘whys’ don’t matter at this point. Twenty nine years under the belt and this is what it amounts to.

In my own defense, I will say that I’ve never once cheated or lied to the man. I have gotten very fat. That’s what happens when you give up…when you have to take a handful of pills to deal with the pain he’s caused. But that was long ago and I should’ve lost the weight and morphed back into the beauty that I was. But there is something empowering about going from beautiful to homely. Truly. I’ve taken myself out of that race that we women are running since the first time our mothers put us in a frilly dress. I don’t have to compete.

These days, I doubt that anyone even notices me, except to laugh. I am funny looking…Almost six feet tall, covered in tattoos, big as a barn. My hair, once black and shiny and poufy is now my natural color of auburn. Dull, straight and long, it just sits like a couch potato on my head, waiting for me to put it in a bun…again. No makeup, ever, these days. And I have no neck! My chin just lives there with its downstairs roommate. And forget about my body. Holy damn! My belly has gotten huge, per genetics. I am built exactly like my great grandmother. Yeah…that’s me. Fugly ugly me.

He’s a broken down old man now. Only fifty, his body bears the brunt of years of boilermanking and construction. Oil field trash. Loud and proud, too. He’s driven us into financial ruin and we are living in the house his father built up in the boondocks. I’m tired of paying the price for his mistakes, but it seems to be my role in life. I have zero sexual feelings for the man. A fact that he would probably find surprising considering that he thinks he’s a real stud. lol! Maybe he is to some women. There’s one who works under him, literally I think, who would love to live up here in the woods with her old man. If I had the money, or a place to go, she could have him. But I’m not finished with him, just yet. It’s not fair…the things he has done to me. He owes me and I will collect. Plain and simple.

So, that’s my happy morning. Just sitting here, staring at this screen, while the man I once loved sits in his old chair looking like a nursing home case. Joy! lol!

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