Queen Of Pain


It’s been a quiet day that flowed perfectly into a quiet evening. I’m grateful for that. Exish is here and I normally don’t have peaceful days in his presence. I’ve had a severe pain day, and Exish was very kind to me. I truly appreciated that because I could not deal with the usual on top of this pain. I think I would have just fucking left.

My doc thinks my problem, aside from the nerve damage, is fibromyalgia. I told her that I wasn’t ready to deal with that particular diagnosis. And, I’m not. She’s a cool chick and said we’ll deal with it later, when I am ready. I love the relationship I have with my doc. We’re both sarcastic and bitchy and say what we think when we think it. No editing, whatsoever. lol! I’m in a chronic pain group on Facebook and so many there have doctors that are just straight up dicks. I guess I got lucky.

I am hurting so bad I want to scream right now. Per the norm, I am exhausted for no reason. My body…stiff and sore all over, arms feel as though lightning is shooting down them constantly, shoulders to fingertips. One thing that’s really turning into a brain fuck lately is that my hands and fingers don’t always do as they’re told, so to speak. Typing takes forever because I constantly make mistakes. But it goes far beyond typing. I don’t HAVE to type. I’m always dropping things. And my hands shake a lot. They never used to do that. And my pain level just presses on…higher and higher. It’s driving me crazy. I haven’t even shot my new pistol yet because it’s too heavy for me to hold straight. I’m a big woman, even without the weight. I am also a strong woman. So, to me, not being able to hold on to a pistol is a big thing.

I’ve gained so much weight because of all this. I’m very inactive. As I said before, when Exish goes out of town, I am going to focus on changing that…focus on me. I know that I can push through this if I really set my mind to it. If I can stay off of the things I shouldn’t eat and maybe just walk for a half and hour a day, I think I’ll lose weight. I’d also like to quit smoking and re-learn Mexican while he’s gone, but that might be a stretch.

This morning, I was thinking about how I used to be, before the incident that caused all of this. I was a totally different person. Active, social and very in control. I loved going out to my favorite bar and hanging out at my friends’ tattoo shops. I just liked to do my thing. But once the pain set in…that was it.

I don’t think I’ll ever be pain free. And I don’t care if I am. But I want my life back. I want ME back. And there has to be a way to do that. I’m sick of the pills and the routine of it all. I hate the mental numbness. I hate the whole fucking thing. And now, with the shaky hand bullshit, I wonder if there is ever going to be an end to what my fucking nerves will do to me. Why don’t they just heal themselves? I heard they can. Doc says mine are dead. Okay then…how can something dead fuck your life up like this?

This is really turning into a wack job rant, so I’m gonna stop now. All I know is that I’m ready for change in my life and I am going to have my way, or I don’t know what. I’d rather die than be this way.

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