Angstistentialism 101


I woke up this morning to a dozen alerts on my phone for ‘likes’ on that freak show dating site. One particularly stood out. It was a man who, as far as I could tell by his pictures, was extremely good looking and successful, and had leisure time to enjoy it. Hm. HMMMM. Certainly a man like that would have plenty of opportunities to meet women. Also, if he has as much money as he appears to have, (yes, I know looks can be deceiving), why was he on that free site?

In my mind, all I could think was SERIAL KILLER. OR…he’s such a bastard in real life that nobody will put up with him. Either way, I deleted my account and feel much better now.

I am famous for going from one thing to the next. I’m supposed to be decorating and getting this house put away properly. I was very excited about it, actually. Then, this happened…that happened…something shiny…whatever…and I’m on a dating site. I could have just as easily gotten in the truck and gone home for a few days. I mean…I’m just flighty. I can’t concentrate for shit and they don’t seem to make a drug that works for me. Which means, in my view, that it’s obviously a spiritual problem because drugs work on physical things. They do not work on spiritual things.

Deleting my profile from that website really felt good. I mean…like weight of the world off my shoulders good. Now, if I can find a way to reconnect with my life, today, now, feet on the floor style…

I’ve always had a problem with being somewhat disconnected. I don’t think I really bond well with people. When I part ways with someone, on a friendly basis or not, it won’t take long before I will forget almost everything I ever knew about them. In a relatively short time, I’ll even forget what they look like. There are exceptions, of course, but that is my norm. I’ve stopped wondering why I’m like that. It doesn’t really matter. But it leaves me very much alone a great deal of the time. Alone in a particular way that I can’t describe. Truth be told, the only people I seem to be bonded with are Exish and our boys. My mother, of course. And my grandfather. Yep…that’s about it.

I hope to some day be more…something. Because I do care about people, I truly do. It would be nice to have a relationship that remains once it loses its newness or intensity. It just takes so much to hold my attention…so much stimulus to feel anything except sadness. Nobody can keep up with that. Not even me.

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