It’s morning’s first hours. I’m sitting here staring at this screen as though something life altering will come leaping out at me. I feel as though I’m engulfed in pain, as the nerves scream lightning down my arms. Fire and ice. And I am profoundly alone tonight.
I spoke with Mom today. When I go back home to see my doc, she’s taking me on a double spa day. That’ll fix me. In fact, I’m positive that the nails and hair and makeover are going to make me into an entirely different person. If ya can’t fix it, can’t shoot it, throw money at it! It’s just that I’m at Ground Zero right now and I’m not sure that it’s going to change a thing. I know it’s not.
I’ll be happy to be with mom. I love our visits. And my grandad is so old…I may not have too many more chances to visit with him…so It’s good to go back home for a day or so. I’ll be meeting my new grand nephew, as well. I can’t wait for that. And see my K. She’s going to be such a great mommy. And her hubby to be…he’s such a good guy. I told her they needed to get married before the baby came, but she put it off too long. Kids…
I just wish I could feel a connection with someone. Anyone. Sometimes, I think I may actually be dead and I’m just remembering my life. Nothing moves me. Not much, at least. Not when I am like this.
And, yes, I am aware that there are millions of others who have things much worse than I do. But I ask you…What sort of person would I be if that made me feel better? It only makes me feel worse for them. I’m just stuck. And I don’t know how to move beyond this minute.