I spent about nine hours on the road this morning, going to and from Beaumont, to take Exish his meds and come back home. I slept for a good four hours last night, so I felt good getting on the road.
I peeled out of my driveway and nailed it, cranking up the stereo as I made my way down the road. I love Pantera in the morning! When I got out on the highway, I rolled the windows down and settled into the drive with good loud metal and cool fresh air. It was nice. Somewhere down the road, I missed my turn by about fifty miles and had to turn around. Exish was furious, because I was already late taking him his meds, but he knows I can’t see well at night, and it was very dark when I left. Anyway, I ignored his furious phone calls and turned the music up as loud as it would go. Heaven!
I got to the motel, dropped off his meds, got gas, and I left. I didn’t want to go in and visit with a man who had been yelling at me every time I’ve spoken with him for the last two days. Over pills, no less. Screw that.
The trip home was much better. I was confident about the route home. More loud metal…sunshine…awesome!
As I drove, I started thinking about my life. For some reason, one particular incident wouldn’t leave the fore of my thoughts. I tried singing…badly…with the music…counting signs…whatever I could to stop thinking about it. But, I couldn’t. It felt like something pounding on a door in my head. it seemed determined that I answer.
I finally gave up and allowed myself to dwell on the incident in mind. At first, recalling it as I always have: A foolish slip-up that resulted in a bad situation. I let my brain skim over the details trying to get through till the end of the memory, if that makes sense. But I couldn’t. I was just sitting there, driving down the road on a beautiful day, and this horrible thing just will not stop invading my thoughts.
Every detail of the day leading up to the night of this horrifying and disgusting thing played back over and over again. Everyone I saw that evening at the party, before it happened…what they said…who they were…what I was doing. I started to get sick. I was overwhelmed with…I don’t even know what to call it. I was seeing myself in this situation and I couldn’t shut it off. Worse, I was seeing the way it unfolded and realizing that I should have known what was going to happen. I can see how it played out now so clearly. Why couldn’t I see it then? Why in bloody Hell did I not see that coming? I felt as though I was there, in the room, as I’m driving down this country road, surrounded by beautiful trees and wildflowers that swayed as the cars passed by them. I could feel breath and hands and other things literally on my body, as if it were happening all over again. I finally pulled over for a minute. It was so disorienting and I was just so sick.
After a few minutes of bawling my eyes out, I was finally able to get a grip. My heart was pounding and my mouth was dry and I was shaking. I took a couple of Klonopin to calm down, then pulled onto the road again.
I’m not sure that I could write about this thing that happened. I mean…I don’t know if I could make myself. And, posting it…I’m if people would just be disgusted or if it might help someone else this type of thing has happened to. Mostly, I cannot understand why, after 32 years, this is even an issue. God, I hate thinking that I was…in that position. Seeing it as I did today…removed…looking at it as a spectator…if I saw it in a movie, I’d cover my eyes and ears. It would disgust me to no end that a group of people could do such a thing to a young woman, and not one lift a finger to help her while it happened. I couldn’t watch something like that, were it only fiction come to life on the screen.
But it happened. In real life. To me. Oh, my God….it happened to me. And I’ve never told anyone. Because I feel like it was my fault. I should have known…I just should have fucking known.