I’ve been going through a lot of changes recently. For one, my sex drive has gone through the roof. Another: I’ve been talking to a few people. Met one. Did not click. But, it’s all good. The point is, I know I’m really not ready to put myself out there. I’m not in good shape, to put it mildly. And I’m still living with Exish. No job. Undecided on what I’m going to do for money. Something that keeps coming up is that, perhaps, I should become a pro Domina. A woman of my size fills a certain niche in the profession and it’s excellent money. But it’s my preferred lifestyle, so I don’t know if I want to do it professionally. Yes, I am aware of the legalities, as well.
The situation with Exish is odd. It’s strained. Aside from being separated, but living together for five years now, there is a jealousy issue on his end. He, being aware that I talk to other men, has been rather agitated. So, I struck a deal with him: I’ll sleep with him as long as he leaves me be and I can do as I please in peace. Yeah, I know. Icky. That’s not the whole of the deal, but it’s all I’m willing to post about. It gets much worse. And, I accept that. It’s on me. Fine. Whatever. I just need to be free. But, I’d trade all of that freedom if he’d give me one GOOD reason to stay. Do I love him? Of course. With all my heart. In a motherly way, at this point. I feel very protective of him. I worry about him constantly because of his addiction and general condition, healthwise. I worry that he’ll never be okay. I worry that, if I leave, he’s going to kill himself with drugs. Honestly, at times, I worry that I’ll be in danger if I leave him. He’s never been physically abusive, but something he said to me when we were negotiating the ‘deal’ chilled me to the bone.
Even though we have this deal, I don’t rub my socializing in Exish’s face. I haven’t gone on a date or anything. And, the only person I would really and truly like to spend the night with will be here after Exish goes back to work. S is a younger man who is turning into a good friend. We talk every day, but we’re not going for a relationship…just sex. I’ve never done that before, and never thought I would. It always seemed slutty and gross to me. Friends with benefits. Really, now? Hmmm…However, I guess things change. He is also a dominant and we get along great. It’s very cerebral. I enjoy that aspect of S&M very much. I also enjoy switching, so he and I are a great match. Then there is a man in San Antonio who was recently widowed. He just needs a substitute wife. He sends me romantic messages every morning and night. They are so sweet they make me cry sometimes. I feel so bad for him. Though his marriage of twenty years was rocky, he’s using me to live those first good years he had with his wife again. He has no idea where I live, nor will he ever. It makes me feel good to fill a little spot for him. Then, there’s J. He’s a dirt track racer. I saw his profile on a dating site. There was no picture, so I asked that he email one. When I opened the email, I was stunned. He looked exactly like a friend of my son’s did right before he died. OMG. It was like seeing a ghost. I continued to chat with him by phone simply because I was so intrigued by that face. After a while, we developed feelings, I suppose. He’s a country boy with solid values…someone you can count on. But, when Exish came home two weeks ago, we stopped talking, for the most part. He texts me every few days to say he’ll wait. I’m not comfortable with anyone waiting on me. I’m going to email him this very evening and tell him not to…wait. I know how it feels and it sucks. Besides, I am positive there is someone better for him than me. He’s got this wild innocence about him. I totally dig it. But I can’t be the one. You know?
Well…I guess that’s it. Although, the above paragraphs barely scratch the surface, my life is changing in profound ways. I welcome the changes. I’ve discussed things with my mother. She fully supports me. She thinks I’ve wasted too much time with a man who can’t even tolerate the sound of my voice. I just wish I was one of those women who can just up and leave with a big ol FUCK YOU!, but I’m not. I’ll figure it out. Just not today…