I miss home today, although I’m not certain exactly what that means anymore. I feel uncomfortable in my skin…in my brain…in this physical embodiment of self. It seems used up and irrelevant to me. Nevertheless, I’m bound by flesh to this earth and all the insanity that comes with it.
Of course, we all have the choice of whether or not to remain in this cosmic dump site, or to move on. Unfortunately, moving on requires a blood sacrifice that I’m not prepared to make at this time. Damn it. Damn my weakness, my indecisiveness…my fear. Those are the things that keep me tethered to this asylum, inescapable.
Love…love was once something that bound me, as well. But I don’t view love as being more than an inconvenience at this point. It is a stumbling block…a millstone around my neck. I’m finished with love. Just considering the concept makes me ill. Love. Really? What is that? The Bible outlines it beautifully. Unfortunately, flawed creatures that we are, we humans cannot make a real connection to anything that selfless. So, fuck that, too.
God, I have never felt like such a prisoner. Even murderers are allowed some time out of their cages each day. For me, the sentence I serve allows for no such reprieve.
Self pity? No. Clarity, yes. At every turn, it seems, my view of the reality that is my life becomes more clear. I feel suffocated by the blood that runs through my veins. The demands it makes overwhelm me…smother me. I am a slave to it. But, that will only be true until I finally find that place of strength within that allows me to take my well deserved leave. Sadly, I doubt that I will find it today.