This is, by far, the worst pain day I’ve had in over a month. I’ve been in full-body pain at a 7, (on a 10 scale), all day. Hands and arms are shaking, which is strange and new. It has been only my hands until today. You know that saying, ‘lightning in a bottle’? That’s what my body is today. I feel like some sort of pain conduit, as if it HAS to run through me to get to where it’s going, like a light plug or something.
I finally slept for a few hours this morning. It was the first sleep I’ve had since I woke up on Monday morning. Pain is only part of that issue. Mostly, I think it’s just nervousness. Exish made it to Wyoming safe and sound, so that’s a relief. I was worried because he insisted on taking his old work truck, instead of taking mine. You know…since he was going to WORK. (Goddamn it, Elle, will you shut the fuck up about it?) This thing is gawd awful. It’s a 1997 Ford F150 Lariat. It was a sweet ride back in the day…when dinosaurs walked the earth. After 18 Texas summers, the dash is so brittle t hat it literally crumbles if you touch it. The leather seats are split and the foam is coming out. The overhead liner is coming loose and flaps in the wind. The windows have to be down because there is no AC. To top it off, the entire interior smells of crude oil. I actually don’t mind the smell. It smells like hard working men and that’s very…yummy. In any case, the only reason I didn’t throw myself under the front wheels to keep him from leaving in it is because Mr. Mel, our mechanic who I lovelovelove, just tuned it up about six months ago, if that. When Mr. Mell says it’s fixed, it’s fixed. Even when it has over 200,000 miles on it.
Mr. Mel…I’m glad I thought of him just now. I always smile when he crosses my mind. He’s one of the few people that I genuinely like in this world. Mr. Mel in his 80’s, but still has to work. His wife had cancer and it wiped out his retirement. But what really kicked it was, while his wife was still having chemo, his daughter found out that she had Stage 4 breast cancer and that it was so advanced that there was nothing that could be done to save her. She passed very quickly after diagnosis. Mr. Mel and his wife took in her elementary school aged children to raise, and it takes everything they have, on every level, to manage with the little ones. But you don’t hear Mr. Mel complaining. The only reason I know all that is because I got to his shop early one morning to drop off my truck and his computer was messed up and neither of us could fix it. While we were waiting on the computer guy, (aka The Transmission Guy), I asked him how things were going in his life and he just started talking and talking until he got it all said. He was tearing up and you could see the weight of the world on his shoulders. I was glad to be there for him that morning. I hate it when people are sad and are all alone in it. He’s the one his whole family looks to for strength and he was running low on it just then. Bless his heart. I just adore Mr. Mel.
I had to go to town this morning and pick up a few things at the Dollar General. It was weird. I took a whole klonopin before I left to calm me down. When I got there, I was fine. I pushed the cart around and lingered a little bit…no panic. But then, my body starts to have the symptoms of a panic attack when my mind was calm. First came the sweating. I mean…like I was standing in the shower. OMG! Heart starts racing…dizzy…the whole thing. EXCEPT the mental part. I don’t know what to think of it, but I’m chalking it up to progress. Besides, I hardly stood out in that crowd this morning. I swear it was tweaker day at that store. Holy shit!
Well, I’m going to go make dinner for me and the cats, then to bed. I hope. I’ll probably sleep in the chair tonight. When I hurt like this, laying down just hurts more. Anyway…that’s that.