Me & Paul

I haven’t posted in ages. Life has been much too overwhelming of late to be able to find words to convey the way I feel about it. Pain days have been many, as have very low pain days. I’m grateful for that. More important than any of that, I met a man and I’m in love.
The man of whom I speak comes from London. Yes, we met online. Just a friendly exchange on Facebook. But then there was something more. An overwhelming feeling that I found my other half. Although I had spent many hours gazing at his picture and hanging on every word he posted for most of the year, I never dreamed that we’d hit it off the way we did. It’s like we’re two pieces of the same puzzle. We finish each other’s sentences and share so much in common that it’s crazy. We both love metal and the simple things and each other. I’m probably going ’round in circles talking about him, but I can’t help it and I don’t care to edit. I feel blessed beyond words.
Exish and I had a good conversation this evening. He agrees that we really are separated and that he can handle it and will stop trying to hang on. I don’t know what I’d have done had he not said that. I’ve been feeling so trapped lately…as though someone will have to hurt in order for me to be happy. I am not certain that I could ever by happy under those circumstances. Who could? The good thing is that I don’t have to keep Paul under wraps as much. I did tell Exish that I was in love with Paul, but I still wouldn’t talk on the phone with him in front of Exish because I didn’t want to hurt feelings or cause trouble. I’m so happy to know that won’t be the case any longer…that Exish will share in the responsibility of rebuilding our seperate lives and moving on. That’s the most manly thing he’s ever done for me. And I appreciate it.
Paul will be coming for a visit in the relatively near future. I cannot wait to finally touch him. He’s so…yummy and wonderful. And, while I’m positive there will be things we hate about one another, I think that we communicate well enough to get through those things. Or at least fight it out without one of us walking away. Hey…in my book that’s a damn good thing.
Love is a funny thing, though. Once you’re beyond the ‘in love’ stage, there is no telling where it will go. Both people must be mindful of the dedication involved to keep things together when you can’t ‘feel’ all that new love. In all honesty, I hate the fact that I let myself fall in love. It bugs the shit out of me. But then I hear his voice, or get a message from him and I’m in love all over again…the risk is worth it. Before you judge, consider the divorce rate. Paul and I, two near-total strangers, have odds as high of staying together as people who have dated for years. Soooooo…yeah. I’m gonna roll the dice. See what happens. Enjoy this man. That’s what I’m going to do.

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