Maybe I’m not ready for love. That sounds silly and immature, but I think it may be true. I’m clingy and obsessive and jealous and moody. Let’s face it, these are not traits anyone finds attractive, particularly when considering a long term pairing.
Lately, I’ve had to come to terms with a few things concerning my health. Since meeting Paul, actually. It’s just that I don’t think I can have the sex life I once had. It’s something I haven’t had to think about in the five years Exish and I have been separated, as those years have been spent in a state of near total celibacy. Since Paul, sex has come to the forefront and, frankly, it scares me. There are some days when my body will barely move enough to walk without my pain level shooting through the roof. Joints that won’t bend…muscles that spasm and ache until I cry. How is this body going to respond to the spontaneous demands of a lover? Not to mention the frustration of not being able to have the kind of sex that I, personally, enjoy.
I always try to maintain perspective when thinking about my own experience with fibromyalgia. I’m grateful that it’s such a slight thing in comparison to that of so many others. Most of the time I’m very dismissive about it. I think that I’m lazy and whiny and grouchy…that those are my real problems. Probably because those are things I have control over. But I’ve lost a total of fifteen pounds, have been working on mood and general productivity. As I sit here this morning, I can feel every bone in my fucking body aching long after my pain meds have kicked in. My hands are shaking terribly. In fact, I’m posting from my phone because I can control my thumb enough to easily use this keyboard, but cannot control the way my fingers behave on a full size PC keyboard. My left jaw will not pop back into place and it’s causing a bitch of a headache, not to mention that I can’t eat any real food until I force it back in place. Fun! This last bout of sleep issues, particularly the sleep walking, has my left knee jacked up after I fell the other night. Left wrist and hand feel like they might be seriously sprained or fractured and pain shoots up my arm whenever I move my hand. That is the result of a near fall in my sleep last week. So, yeah, when I really think about things, I can see how the fibromyalgia may affect my sex machine status.
I don’t know why I have such an issue with accepting the fact that I have a chronic illness. While I clearly see what it’s done to my life, I’m still more comfortable blaming myself or denying that it’s even a real illness. ‘ It’s just some catch all thing doctors use…’. Well, even if it is a catch all, I have it. It’s a real thing that is really fucking with my life during a time when I need to be able to work and put in the kind of effort it takes to start a new life for oneself. I’d like to make the transition with a man that I love, but who would really want a woman who doesn’t….bend….well?
I guess time will tell.