Twelve Ten

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There is the most gentle breeze blowing. I have the door open and I can hear the leaves moving across the yard when it blows. It sounds like the crackling of a camp fire. Other than that…silence,  save for the ringing in my ears.  Sometimes, I don’t feel deserving of the bucolic beauty I’m surrounded by. I know I’m undeserving of the series of events that brought me to this place. But life led me here, and it’s my choice to stay, for the time being.

Days like this start me thinking about things. I’m so lonely here. Looking out at the woods, I feel my heart breaking over and over with each beat. It’s a strange thing…having a broken heart. You love someone so desperately and with your whole self and you believe that he loves you in the same way until suddenly, with no warning, it’s over. Your brain understands that there is nothing you can do, but your heart…it just won’t let go. You are left to your tears and mourning and little else. You become a pathetic caricature of who you were only months ago. But, no matter how much you hurt, you know you’ll never allow this to happen again. Therein lies your hope and strength.

A few days ago, a man told me that I was an amazing woman,  rare…like no other. Hours later,  another man told me that he felt sorry for the poor bastard that ended up with me. Their actions soon revealed the liar. It was the first man, who is the man who broke my heart. He deceived me in the most hurtful way I’ve ever experienced. When the end arrived, I never saw it coming. At least the second was honest about how he felt, and treated me accordingly.

I hope I don’t come off as a bitter or scorned woman. That isn’t what I feel. But I’d like an explanation. I am hurt and angry and forever changed. I waited so long for this man. I had no idea who he’d be, but I knew I’d recognize him when I met him. That is exactly what happened. Only… I was mistaken. I allowed my heart to fall in love. I fell into this man as though he was my Savior. I thought that I’d gift myself with actively loving this person who I felt was literally my better half. OMG. I did that. To myself. Handed every molecule of my power to a man I barely knew, then chose to believe the fairy tale. As I sit here,  on my 49th birthday, I feel immobilized… decimated by the responsibility I bear in this situation. Had I not dropped the ball and trusted my heart,  none of this would’ve happened. This love is one of only a few regrets that I have in life.

It’s evening now. The sun casts a silvery shine in and throughout the trees. Shadows fall as the critters close up shop, finding a comfy spot in which to spend the cold night ahead. I, too am preparing for a long night. I intend to have a strong drink in a bit, and enjoy every drop as I think about what I’m going to do with my life in the near future. While I intend to relocate, that isn’t happening tomorrow. Maybe I’ll go ahead and visit my mom and grandad, like I planned to earlier in the week.

Grandad remembered my birthday for the first time in four years. I was so happy! Mom swore he remembered it on his own, but I’m sure there were,  at the very least, some major hints involved. I recorded the call and pray it’s not the last birthday call I ever get from him.

Well,  I’m going to mix a drink.

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