I must confess that I’m happy to see this year end. It has been the last of five of the most stressful years of my life. As it comes to a close, with change on my horizon, I’m considering how I’ll actually approach the new year.
I’d like to begin 2016 by being far less nice. While being a forgiving person is possibly the most valuable part of my character, I tend to take it to a degree that is often not healthy for me. I believe in ‘forgive and forget’. I see nothing wrong with that. However, I have come to understand that the recipients of all this forgiveness could not actually give a shit whether I forgive them, or not. Maybe it’s just my way of avoiding confrontation, in spite of my reputation as one of the most confrontational people a lot of my folks have ever known. I think that when there is a lot to lose, I’d rather roll over and play dead just so I can continue to know certain people instead of telling them to go fuck themselves like I should.
In my effort to streamline my group of associates, online and in real life, I’ve already begun to mentally file people into lists. The A List, Marginals, and Cast Offs. That may sound mercenary, but I’m tired of having people in my life that don’t want to be there except to control me, or satisfy themselves, on some level. I’m quite happy with my A List, although I recently promoted a Marginal to the A List, and am already regretting it. We’ll see how that goes. And, yes…I just said that. lol! WTF?!?
Restraint is one thing I’ll have to deal with this year, like it or not. I expect to have weight loss surgery in the next month or two. I have very mixed emotions about it, but don’t want to pass up the opportunity. I’ve had the chance to get it two other times, but changed my mind at the last minute. I have my reasons. I know that there are reasons why, one in particular, I turn to food for comfort. And, as odd as it sounds, it is that reason that causes me to see all of this excess weight as a comfort, as well. An incident occurred in my life 33 years ago. It was violent, humiliating and traumatizing. I was able to put it behind me for a long time, but it seemed to come back at once and with a vengeance a little over a decade ago. I don’t know why. It is something I find so disturbing that I have only talked about it out loud to one person in all of this time. Aside from those involved, only he and I know it ever happened, even though it has haunted me daily for more than three decades. This is the year I face up to it and get some help.
The two things above aren’t resolutions. They are changes I have to make if I’m going to live another year without eating a bullet. I should be moving in the next six months or so. I’m not sure about an actual divorce, though. It might be advantageous to stay married on paper, tax-wise and in terms of property, etc. I’m going to sit down with a lawyer soon and discuss it. I don’t plan on ever getting married again, so I don’t see it as an issue, either way the shoe falls. I’d rather get ass fucked by a herd of buffalo than walk down the aisle again. I did my fucking time. Shit. There is nobody rich or good looking enough to talk me into that bullshit. And love ain’t gonna cut it, either. I let myself fall in love this year. Turns out that it was just some weird game for the man involved. I knew I shouldn’t have let myself feel that way. Goddamn I’m a fucking idiot. The worst part is that I’m still getting over it. Something that really didn’t make a shit to him, I’m still fretting over. That’s part of that ‘nice’ bullshit. Just because you love someone doesn’t mean you have to always love them. Especially when you aren’t even really on their radar, no matter how nice they are to you after it’s all said and done. I’m sick of being a side note. It won’t happen again and I mean that. Fuck love. It’s not worth it.
Anyway…this is just turning into a bitch and moan session. The point is: No, I won’t be making resolutions as my life is making them for me. Unavoidable and non-negotiable changes that life is demanding and I have no choice but to step up. So…that’s what I plan to do.
I hope everyone has a safe and happy celebration tonight. Adios!