i’m vacant today. and it feels great. nothing inside but a palpable void, as though i’ve feasted on emptiness. neither sadness, nor guilt, clouds my mind, for the first time since he died. throughout my life, i’ve lost many people to Death. i can count on one hand those whom i’ve mourned. and, those few, i mourn to this day. never in my wildest dreams did i think he would be a member of that tiny group.
this numbness that i feel extends from inside, to out. even my face shows no signs of life. my body is relaxed and i feel as though i can see a bit of my future on the horizon. i went into town this morning. while there, i made no effort to smile or project any particular affect, whatsoever. that felt great. on the drive home, i passed up my house and turned off on to the back road to check on the back forty. the rains have had their way with the red dirt roads and beavers have created a serious issue with the part of the road that crosses the creek. it’s falling off at the sides, even more than only a week ago, which made it very exciting to cross.
just where the dirt road turns to blacktop, there is a tiny house for sale. i’d love to have it, but they want twice what i’d ever be able to afford. i would love to own it and make into a lover’s retreat…a place for a couple to get away from it all. i’d put a basket of fresh baked muffins and fresh juice on the doorstep every morning, with a note about the wonders of lasting love. it would be a beautiful place…a secret place hidden behind crepe myrtle trees and azalea bushes, all contained within a white picket fence.
deep inside, i do believe that love can last. i still love bennie, in spite of the past, and even though he’s dead and gone. but i don’t believe i’ll allow myself to fall in love ever again. that’s my choice. long lasting, happy, love is a tricky thing. it must be worked on exhaustively and fussed over like an orchid and both hearts involved must be of like mind. i think it’s worth it, though. but not for me. never again. like that beautiful little house, the cost of love lost is simply more than i can afford.