purified, day 58 a.d.

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I slept most of the last twenty four hours. I’ve been wanting to sleep since he died. Really sleep. But I haven’t. I don’t sleep well at night, and deny myself naps during the day, unless I simply fall asleep by accident. After chatting with a friend yesterday, who also lives alone, we both decided to just sleep. And, so, we did. It was wonderful. I feel almost purified by it. An entire day of not worrying or crying or thinking. Of course I was up now and then, but mostly…mostly I was lost in dreams.

I do feel a bit guilty for sleeping an entire day away. It’s really no different from any other day, though. It’s not like I’ve been getting things done, or making any progress in my life. He died, everything stopped.

I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching. About him, mostly. Trying to understand why I stayed so long with a man who didn’t even like me. And why the death of such a man has hit me so hard. I finally decided that neither matters. Till the end, we shared laughter and inside jokes and things like that. Till the end, I tried to protect him from himself and he hated me for it. The difference between us was that I always spoke my true feelings. He did not. As they say, in death, all things hidden come to l light. Unfortunately, I lived that truth and it hurt a lot. But it was nothing I didn’t already know, really. That’s why I have to free myself from all of that and determine, in my heart, that it doesn’t matter. None of it. He’s gone, it’s over, I have to move on.

I’m crying much less in the last few days. And I didn’t wake up crying yesterday, or today. I can feel a burden being lifted and am feeling like I can forgive myself for the part I played in his misery. I know I made him unhappy. But, had I left, he’d have ended up in a body bag, just another addict dead from and o.d. I’m glad he was killed by what he knew would take him…by the thing he’d made peace with. It gives me peace to know that, months before he died, he was able to admit to himself that there was something stronger than he was, and that he accepted his upcoming role in the circle of life and death. I thank God that, knowing he was going to die, he still went bravely to meet his maker. Yet, that is the thing that gives me the most regret, as well. Had he ever been that man for me…that strong man…I’d have loved him till the very end, the way a woman loves her man. Instead, I did love him, but more like a son. A horrible teenaged son who got into every bad thing he could.

 

One thought on “purified, day 58 a.d.

  1. This moved me to tears, like most of your posts on this do. I love you, sweet soul.

    The last part, about loving him as a son hit me especially hard. It describes perfectly the terrible pull to help those who refuse to help themselves, and I’ve sacrificed myself on that same alter too many times. Way too many. The difference is, I’ve never honored the commitment enough. I reach a point of being too broken and I leave. I’m a leaver. For me, that’s still a shameful feeling, whether it should be or not. I feel such admiration for your tenacity and commitment, yet I would have counseled you to take care of yourself and go. It’s all so confusing to me, still. 😔

    Your honesty and openness will help many, and I am personally grateful for you. Big hugs across the miles to you, my friend.

    May you find peaceful sleep as often as your body and mind require. No guilt applies. Xox

    Like

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