The Box

Dear Bennie,

I bought a small box. It’s wood and leather, beautifully carved. Inside the box, there’s another. The small one is your resting place. The remainder of you will be tossed and spread all around this land that you love so much. You’ll mix into the soil where your father, grand and great, as well, all rest. Like them, and those who came generations before, you will be returned to the red Texas dirt, and there will be no thing ever harvested from this land that will not contain a part of you. 

I honestly wish I had been the one to go. Your life meant something real. Mine only meant anything as long as you said it did. I believed you. Now, I’m nothing. It was better being the one you despised than being nothing to anyone, at all. I’m lost, Bennie. And I’m dying inside. I didn’t know how much I loved you. I just didn’t know. You made me too busy to realize it. Busy trying not to make you angry…busy trying to make sure you didn’t overdose…busy trying to be invisible. 

I’m so numb lately. I tried to talk to Mom while I was there visiting. She said you were a sorry motherfucker when you were alive and you treated me like shit so fuck you. And then she told me to just shut up and remember that whenever I thought of you. She’s right. But it doesn’t help. I feel like you cursed me. Something is long gone now…something inside of me. Maybe it was never there and, because of you, I pretended it was for so long that it felt real. Maybe I am a sociopath, like you said. I’d think, were that true, you’d have met your end long before you did. I just don’t know. And there’s nobody to talk to. About you. Because people who love me hated you. I can’t bear the things they say.

Anyway, I’m sorry for rambling. I know how much you hate that. There’s just so much left over…so much to say. Mostly, I’d like to know why you hated me. Because I don’t understand now any more than when you lived. I think that, if I could just figure that out, maybe I could fix it. Then I could at least…I don’t know. Maybe I could let you go. 

I have to go now. I feel like there’s something I should be doing right now, but I can’t remember what. 

Love Always,

L.

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