It’s been 286 days since he passed. I can’t seem to stop counting the days. Sometimes, hours pass as I sit in frozen reflection of everything that happened the day he died. The last of it always being the touch of his hand, cold and swollen. Dead.
Other things run through my mind, as well…things triggered by the most basic situations in my life these days. I recently spent some time with a man. Even though the feel of a man’s arms around me was amazing, it also felt like cheating. I never cheated on Bennie, and the guilt I’m feeling, even now, is overwhelming. I can’t stand it. But what I have been feeling most is Ben’s betrayal. I can’t stop thinking of all the times he did cheat and then lived his life, our life, as though nothing happened. He moved seamlessly from his encounters with other women to his life with me. I don’t understand. How is that possible? I am exhausted from the things I’ve learned of him since his death. Things that should never have been. And why would he take such pleasure in deceiving me? My brain struggles to put it all in place. But my brain doesn’t operate in deception. That isn’t to say I imagine myself to be perfect. God knows I’m not. But I’ve never hurt anyone who didn’t deserve it, and I’d move Heaven and Earth to avoid hurting a loved one. Not Bennie. He enjoyed it. He must have.
I’m not ready to die right now. But I feel dead, already. I’m not sure if I’ll ever trust anyone again. My heart is broken. Literally. It must be to hurt this much. I never dreamed of pain like this. Some days, like today, I don’t talk. When I do, I begin to cry. Because…because…I don’t know why.
I feel like he’s watching me. Judging, hating, laughing at every tear. I think he’d be happy to see me broken this way. I have no doubt in my mind. Still, he is missed and remains on the pedestal I made just for him. Even in his death, I’m followed by the disdain he had for me. I’m not good enough. I am nothing except what I was through him. I have to find a way to change that. I need to know that I can. Change. It just doesn’t look to be in the cards.