1986 A.D.

Bennie,

We’d have been married 31 years next Tuesday. Goddamn it. I’m sorry we didn’t celebrate last year, but you know why. And I just thought we’d have this year…that, maybe, things would be ok by now. I hate you for dying. I fucking hate you. I need you. I just never knew it as much as I do now and that makes me hate you twice as much. 

You know, you could’ve done some shit differently. I was joking on FB about when I drove the Jeep into that ice house you were at. But that shit really wasn’t funny. You made me fucking crazy, then hated me for being fucking crazy. I’m so fucking glad you’re not here yelling in my face and spitting on me like I’m some piece of trash. If I ever was, it was your doing. Goddamn it Bennie. I’m only human. You fucking pushed me till I’m unrecognizable, inside or out. What did you want me to do? Why didn’t you let me go? I hate you. But I need you now. And I don’t know why. 

I think I’m having a breakdown but I’m not sure. I’m not sure of anything anymore. The night terrors are back…The Council. Omg. I can’t do this much longer. I just don’t have it in me. I try not to cry, but if I even think your name, this wave hits and I’m drowning again in you. I feel like you still want to kill me. And I don’t understand why you never did take that fucking shot, you goddamn coward. It would’ve been the only honest thing you ever did where I was concerned. Fuck you for letting me live. I’m not scared to die like you were you fucking cocksucker. That’s why isn’t it? That’s why you never pulled the trigger….because I wouldn’t beg for life. Fuck you. I would beg no man for something so cheap.

I go out for a run in Maxine every day or two. Down that road up the way. Sometimes, I close my eyes when I hit 100 and I count to five. I keep thinking that one day I’ll open my eyes to the next world. But I haven’t had any luck at all with that. Even with all the tires at different pressure she just keeps going along the road. Stupid fucking car. Newsflash: She’s not a Hellcat so you can suck on that for eternity. Yep…I got my way, after all. So fuck you sideways you sorry motherfucker. 

Shit I’m so mad right now. I hate you and love you in equal amounts. Why does it have to be this way? This pain. My God it’s unbelievable. In life, you wouldn’t let me go, and in death I can’t let you go. I feel like I’m in Hell. 

I’m going now. If you’ve heard a word of this then make it stop. You owe me that. Just fucking stop this. Please. 

Here’s an early Valentine. It’s your favorite, fucker. 

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