I went to town to get dog food and cigarettes. Everyone and their brother is in church, so the stores are pretty empty on Sunday mornings. I thought it would be fine. No panic. I took some extra tranq, at that, just for a lil insurance.
The place I normally get cigarettes had a few cars out front, so I went to the gas station across the street. Went in, got my cigarettes, no problem. I was confident that I could run into the Dollar General and grab a sack of dog food without a freak out panic attack. As it turns out, I was mistaken.
I’m not quite sure what sets off the panic attacks. Normally, the sound of a car door shutting will do it. A loud noise…or one I don’t recognize. It’s weird. I start shaking and sweating. I feel like my throat is closing and I can’t breathe. I was almost to the dog food when it started this morning. I always try to keep going because I think that if I do, it’ll break the…spell. But, once you can’t breathe, it’s done. So, I managed to get back to my car and collect myself.
I went to McDonald’s and got the girls a bunch of sausage biscuits from the dollar menu. They were happy as kids at Christmas when I got home. But I’m sitting here, ears ringing, heart still pounding, feeling like the town crazy lady. It’s so humiliating.
I’m supposed to “get help” for this, per doc’s orders. She said that, with what she’s already prescribed, there should be no breakthrough panic. She was mad to find out how long it’s been going on. I just don’t tell her everything. She says I’m agoraphobic, but I don’t like talking about it with her, and I damn sure don’t like talking about panic attacks with her. I used to think it was the weight I’ve gained. So fat I can’t believe it. But I see people fatter than me going places…living life. So it can’t be that. It’s those sounds, I think. I don’t know. I honestly cannot gain useful insight into this lil nightmare.