Sometimes, these trees feel like prison bars. While I’m grateful for this place, and the beauty and life that thrives all around…it can be stifling and lonely. Maybe I should raise something, or grow something. But I don’t know how to do those things. I don’t know how to live here, in Mayberry, and have a life.
I just feel so alone. Jay might be going on tour if things work out with this band, then I’ll really be alone. Shit. I’m scared. I don’t know why. I just need to get it together…to get myself together.
I’m no good at not having a man in my life. It’s really starting to sink in, almost a year after he died. I’ve never lived without a man to lord over me. That’s the kind I’ve always known…controlling pricks. But even that’s better than being alone. I’ve had opportunities to date and such, but the panic thing stops me. Plus, I’m waiting on a good man. One who doesn’t lie and cheat…one who hasn’t been ruined by some she devil who hurt him.
Fuck. I’m just stuck. I have to figure a way out of this nightmare. I count my blessing and I am grateful, but something really big is missing in my heart. I guess that, maybe, it always has been and that is what worries me more than anything.
Maybe the truth about me is that I’m empty and incomplete and that I was born that way, and no thing and nobody can change that. Not even me.