This has been a good day. Jay and I are square after a terrible argument yesterday. I had a great afternoon drunk and had a blast talking to a very special man. And, last but not least, I did a donut in the yard.
I don’t have many good days anymore. It sucks to be alone and self destructive. And…I don’t know. It feels like I’ve lost my enthusiasm. Actually, that was sucked out of me long ago by my late husband. God bless his soul. I hate how things were between us when he died, but he made them that way. Even so, the guilt is killing me inside. I keep thinking that I could’ve just let things be…not insist that we were separated…been a better woman. But I didn’t have the strength for it after thirty years of his psycho abusive bullshit.
I belong to a private grief support group. The question of the day was “Do you remember the last goodbye”. Really. I mean…no shit, I remember. Every goddamn day, I remember. Who wouldn’t? I’m haunted by it to the point of just shutting down. Because I didn’t get the chance to ask him, and tell him, what I needed to. I wasn’t there to fix it.
But…today…I didn’t think about it more than five miserable minutes. I just slept half the day, tried to gather peace inside. Got drunk, but only enough to fill that void and relieve this pain for a bit. It was wonderful. Spent an hour or so on the phone with this very cool Navy man. We’ll probably never meet…location, location,location…but he’s just a solid dude and a lot of fun. We laugh together. That’s awesome to me. Then I did a donut in the yard. Jay’s gonna teach me some car stuff tomorrow. Yeah!
Anyway…I don’t usually note the good days. They seem few and far between. But I think I should start because, were it not for a great day now and then, I wouldn’t want to be here at all. Who would?