Love is a 4 letter word

I’m not sure I’ll ever be in love again. Whenever I meet someone from a dating site, I never end up meeting them in person. Except for the giant guy with the robot leg. Honestly, I really just wanted to see his leg. God forgive me…I’m such a weirdo. But, I digress. The thing is, while corresponding, texting, or talking, if the poor bastard I’m talking to slips up one time…contradicts himself…misspells too many words…anything, I start hitting DELETE. 

I’m also cautious to the point of paranoia. Very rarely do I give out my phone number, never my real name, or give them any clue about where I live.  I’ll tell them I live around fifteen miles from here. A couple have asked what road I lived on. I told them it was just some old country road, but I forgot what it’s called. Omg! Who says shit like that?

I just want a normal life. It’s pretty hard to date when you can barely leave your house without panic setting in. I made myself put on makeup and fix my hair today, and Jay and I went for a nice drive, then to town. It wasn’t exactly relaxing, as Jay was in control of the music. We listened to Throwdown the whole time. I love metal, and it’s something Jay and I share and bond over, but an hour of new music I couldn’t understand left me frazzled. Then, we get to town and a man, a passenger in a truck next to us, smiled and nodded. I smiled back. He continued to look at me as though he was going to say something. Jay notices and yells, “Who the Hell are you looking at? That’s my mother! I’ll kick your fucking ass!” So…that was that. His buddy hit the gas and Mr Nice Guy was gone like the wind. Note to self: Leave Jay home next time…

I guess I’m just bored and lonely and really beginning to ask myself some serious questions. Will I grow old alone? Will I ever meet someone who can deal with me? Is not being alone worth making changes for? Is it worth settling for someone I’m not crazy about in order not to be alone? Is really so bad to be alone, anyway?

I need a smoke and a drink. My head hurts from thinking and hot flashes. FML!

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