I can’t sleep tonight. It’s a lovely night to be awake, though. The thunder comes and goes, the sky pours, but only long enough to catch my attention. Then, as quickly as it came, the storm moves on, leaving behind its delicate remains. A chill in the air makes me wax nostalgic, as I sit near the window listening to the faint sounds of rain as gentle as angel’s wings.
I light a cigarette and reminisce about happy times. Mostly, thinking about my sons when they were small. I miss their little sticky handed hugs and kisses that left jelly in my hair, as they squeezed me as hard as their lil arms could, and watching them swinging in the tire swing that hung from the oak tree in our backyard. There is so much to recall, and so much, forgotten; memories caught up or cast aside in the ebb and flow of life.
I remember my wedding day and my beautiful dress. I seem to have lost track of it, somehow. I used to get it out, now and then. It represented everything I ever wanted. In many ways, it still does. Who doesn’t want to dress up like a princess and run off to start a new life with the man of your dreams?
Lately, I’ve been thinking about the possibility of growing old alone. I’m not afraid to, but I see no point in it. As bad as things went with Bennie, part of me still wants to take a chance and fall in love again. It would be nice to take care of someone…to keep him happy. There is one who I have a pretty big crush on, but I don’t think he feels the same way. Is having a crush a thing anymore? My Gawd…I’m old.
I guess I should go to bed and try to sleep. Perhaps dreams will come to offer signs to guide me. I’m not doing such a great job of that, myself.