psychosis and silver linings

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It’s another peaceful evening, here in Mayberry. I’m here alone. Thinking. Fuck. So much is changing right now. Life. It’s…I don’t know. You think that things are one way, then find out that they aren’t anywhere near the way you thought. Not with people or life or goals.

A lot of people post about mental illness on here. I think they’re brave. You’d have to be. Because, once someone finds out you’re ‘not right’…you may as well have fallen off the face of the earth. I’ve heard. And, if that ever happened to me, I wouldn’t want anyone to know. You have to figure that, if you can live with something for decades and be fine, why rock that boat? I’m sure that would be a very lonely way to live, but, even so, you could find some way to feel normal. Ish. And, even if you didn’t…so? Keep smiling. Nobody ever wants to look past a smile to see if it’s real, or not. Never.

I was thinking about my brother, Captain Crazy. I wondered when it started in him. How long from Point A to Point B? We weren’t raised together, but we did live in the same household, off and on. He was a bit unhinged, even then. But he was a boy, and all boys are somewhat unhinged. I just wonder how long it really took for him to go insane. Did he know what was happening? Is that why he did the shit he did? Apparently, cocaine is not a cure for any sort of psychotic illness. Just sayin. Or meth. Or heroin. Or beating people bloody to collect on their debts. I have only known one other as violent as my brother. As violent as he used to be. He enjoyed bloodshed. Gun fights, knife fights…he just couldn’t get enough. He especially liked to use his hands. He had no fear of anyone. I guess that’s why he went to work in collections. I don’t know. That was a long time ago. Now, he’s fully psychotic and scares me to death. I still wonder, though…how long?

I guess I should go do something productive. I just don’t feel like it tonight. I miss someone very much, but there’s no point in it. Nothing will ever be right between us again. Friends are hard to come by. I don’t trust anyone. When I find someone I actually like AND trust…I feel amazing. But, then they do something that makes me mad…I say too much…all the wrong things…and, it’s done. Just like that. Sometimes, I think it’s good that my memory is so bad. If I can just not see his face for a week or so, it’ll be like he never even existed. Silver lining! There always is one, if you know where to look…

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