I’m very selective about friends. So much so, that I have none. lol! But, I haven’t been in a good mental state for friendship in quite some time. I have many friends on FB that I talk to daily, or several times during the week. I enjoy them and, if we lived near one another, I can’t think of one that I’d mind just dropping in. I wouldn’t even do the stop/drop/belly crawl to the bathroom thing. Honest!
Every now and again, I do meet someone in real life that just sticks in my heart, for some reason. They’re usually a person with troubles, or someone people look upon as a ‘bad guy’. I haven’t had a real true blue female friend since I was in my twenties, and my last male friend had to go after that nasty heroin binge he went on. He still has a spot in my heart, but I can’t deal with that kind of thing. I think I would enjoy a female friend at this point in my life. It’s just taken so long to wash off the icky of childhood distrust of females, I guess. In any case, I really liked this guy. We met on a dating site, and it wasn’t a match when we met in real life, but we got along great. That was about six weeks ago, I think. Or longer. I can’t keep track very well. Anyway, I was very happy to have a male friend in my life. I just like men…how they think and such. But this man, as it turns out, didn’t feel as strongly about our friendship as I did. He’s a ‘no drama’ sort, and I’m a drama queen. I should’ve known it wasn’t going to last, and certainly should have realized that it was, truly, a one sided friendship.
Something happened last, last weekend. I don’t know what it was. His mother is sick and he cares for her, but he still called and we communicated throughout the day. Then…it stopped. I asked why, and he never told me. That’s how he always was when something I said didn’t sit well. He’d back off, or only answer with one word when I’d text. I can’t handle that. I’m the type of person who deals with conflict as it arises. I accept that others aren’t always that way, but I thought that…I don’t know what I thought. I know it was my fault, but can’t really remember exactly what I said. Anyway, two days ago, I asked if he’d accept an apology, or if he’d rather just skip the whole thing. His reply was, ‘skip it’. That stung, but I deleted him, blocked him here and there, asked that he block me from certain things. That was it. Until today. I was worried about his mom, for some reason. I texted him to ask how she was. He said she was the same. Some time later, I texted and let him know I was sorry, that I didn’t mean to do any harm, or cause more stress in his situation, and said goodbye. I then deleted the messages, and went through my call list, and deleted every call we’d exchanged, so that I’d have no way to get in touch with him. I know myself well enough to know that, if I didn’t delete every trace of him, I’d keep texting and bugging him until I got to have a satisfactory conversation as to what the issue was. He texted me again, saying ‘Just don’t do drama and stop reading things into things that aren’t true’, or words to that effect. I tried to understand the last part, but I really don’t. I know I can be dramatic. It’s practically written across my forehead. I asked what he meant, and he said to read all the texts I’d sent. I explained that they’d been deleted, etc. A while went by, no response from him, so I texted back, ‘Is that it?’. No response. So, I deleted those messages and now have no way to contact him. I feel bad about it, but I honestly don’t have the wherewithal to deal with it. All you can do is say you’re sorry. If someone is a real friend, they’ll let you know if you’re pissing them off. With words. They will say it with words and that’s how you learn about one another’s boundaries and such. They don’t just cut you off. Real friends don’t lock you up in their passive aggressive Time Out closet.
Maybe I need to focus on myself. I have some real issues that I need to confront if I’m ever going to have a normal life again. I’m a rapid cycling bipolar who is in a major depression, with PTSD, among other things. I shouldn’t put myself in the position of having to beg someone for understanding, give and take, or for their forgiveness. And I’m not a child that needs punishment every fucking time I say the wrong thing, or say too many things, or text too much. If someone is texting me and I’m busy, that’s what I say…I’m busy, ttyl. It’s not a big thing. But, the point is, I do respond so that they know that I’m not just fucking them off.
Anyway…I think I’m in for another sleepless night. Apparently, I’m only allowed two night’s of reasonably peaceful sleep per week. I’m still having night terrors and nightmares about things from way back in my past. I popped myself in the mouth so hard night before last that my upper and lower lip, on the right side, was bruised. But, that beats all Hell out of thumbing myself in the eyes. Shit! And, I know that I’ve been sleep walking, again. Things, like mini blinds, will be different when I wake up. Or I’ll feel really full and find a paper plate by the couch. (I’ve been raiding some old frozen pocket sandwich thingys). It’s very frustrating.
I hope the good doc has some good news when I visit this week. I found a bilateral stimulation thing online and am going to ask him if I could actually use that in regular life. It’s not the same as the one in his office, but, if it helps, that may be all I need to be able to go grocery shopping and stuff. I’ll know soon enough, I suppose.