In the silence of the morning’s wee hours, I sit and think and wonder. Mostly, I wonder if I’ll ever find love again. I can’t imagine what man would have me. I’m so fat and, even though I’m working on it, I’m going to be fat this time next year. I suppose it doesn’t matter much, as the panic disorder keeps me from dating.
I have a friend, L. He’s a great guy, but all we are is friends. We met once, and didn’t click in ‘that’ way, but had such a great time with one another that we’ve remained friends. I enjoy my friendship with L. It feels good to be needed by a man you don’t have to sleep with, quite frankly. He gives me something to care about in the way that a woman cares. It’s difficult to explain, I suppose. At least, it is for me. But, I enjoy having someone to worry and fuss over. I just do. Bennie made that impossible for me during the last half of our marriage. He broke me in a way I couldn’t fix. But, L. is kind and funny and he makes me happy just being my friend. I make sure he puts his cigarette out before he falls asleep every night and he texts me ‘Good morning’ every day. It’s hard to describe how important that is. I don’t even know why it’s so important. I suppose it makes me feel less alone, which is selfish, I know. And, it gives me a man to fuss over. No strings attached. I love it!
I’ve always had male friends. They’re wonderful and I get along better with men than women. However, there is a huge downside to the male friend dynamic; Eventually, they find a woman who they feel love for and she normally doesn’t like her man talking to another woman every day. I don’t blame the women, and bow out graciously, because I believe that’s the right thing to do. I’d never do anything that would make a woman feel uneasy about her man’s faithfulness. I’ve been on the other side of those calls and texts and it feels like shit wondering who he’s talking to, or texting. She may as well be sitting right there in the room with us. Since men normally don’t have the sense God gave a green onion, they usually want to keep up our friendship. But I’m not a sneak around kinda woman, nor am I some side piece. Not even if it’s only as a friend. The man’s emotional connection should lie with his woman, not with me. That’s all I mean, I think.
As far as love goes, I really didn’t think I’d ever want it again, after Bennie died. Almost sixteen months later, I feel that is changing. Just a little. But, it would be nice. I have serious doubts that I am capable of trusting a man. I’d like to, but I’ve been through so much that I just can’t do it again. Truth be told, Bennie’s cheating did hurt. A lot. I always say that I didn’t take it personally, but looking back, I can see what it did to me; how it changed me. How it destroyed me. His cheating was the root cause of his abusiveness. It was the reason he gas lighted me so mcuh. It was why he yelled at me constantly. It’s why he flew into those terrible rages where all the furniture was thrown around and flipped over. The more he cheated, the angrier he became with me.
All I want is a man to just love. Someone to take care of, cook for, clean…traditional things. I want a man who puts me on a pedestal because he loves me and loves how I take care of him. But, if I don’t get my mind right, where I can trust someone, that’s never going to happen, no matter how much weight I lose. I want a love story. Like Bennie and I had, at first. Something wonderful that my heart will always know is true and will remember when times are tough. I guess that’s a pretty big ask these days.
Enough of all this love talk. I need to try to sleep for a few hours, though I highly doubt that’s going to happen. One can hope!