day’s end

It feels as though night should have already fallen, yet the sun is still slinging white hot light at the Earth as though its inhabitants are the object of a cruel game. I simply cannot wait for Fall and Winter…

I’ve been a real bitch today. Sometimes, I don’t much care that I have been extra bitchy, but I am bothered by it today. Especially when I called the girl at Sonic a bitchy lil thing. In all fairness, the girl behind the speaker was quite rude. Her disembodied voice talked down to me from the speaker as though I’m some garden variety jackass. She needs to understand that I’m a very special type of jackass and do not appreciate being lumped in with a group that way. Since I’m no dumbass, I won’t be eating at that particular Sonic again.

It’s been really bothering me that I haven’t heard from my dad/grandad, too. I spoke with Mom last evening and she explained that he has finally forgotten who SHE is. He stood in her den, her mail in hand, asking who the Hell that mail belonged to, as he did not recognize the name…her name. He couldn’t put her name with her face. No wonder he hasn’t called. I haven’t called him because I was worried he wouldn’t recognize me and that always embarrasses him. It’s awkward for me, as well, but it isn’t any trouble. For him, it seems to be very stressful and I just don’t want to put him through it. I wanted to go visit this weekend, but Mom asked if I could wait until next, since she’s in the middle of another project. I might pop up there mid week and just stay the day and night. I really want to see Dad. I’m sick with worry over him.

And I miss Bennie. I don’t know why. He was just such a big part of my life, better or worse. That preacher man didn’t know what he was saying when he laid down those vows. Looking back, I should’ve written my own. If our vows had accurately reflected how things ended, they’d have said:

For better, or worst case scenario. You will love, honor, and fear, until you begin to IMG_20170522_161914feel as though you’ve lived an eternity with this man. He will scream and yell and put you through things your empty lil head can’t even imagine right now. You will understand the meaning of grief long before either of you passes, as you will come to realize that every bit of who you are in this moment is dead and there is no way to revive it. You will, finally, be alone, only to realize that you cannot go a day without thinking of the young man before you, as you forget the bastard he became. When that day comes, you will know grief on an unimaginable scale and you will long for the day when you, too, are dead and gone just so you can see him again.
May God bless this union…

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