i’m feeling really low today. agitated. angry. just boiling mad, in the spot barely beneath the surface of the smile that i force my face to endure. i want to get into my car and just hit the fucking gas; no looking back…no looking forward…just leaving it all up to the Fates.
some days are like that, you know. i’d be surprised if you never had one or two or ten of them. we all do. it’s natural, right? my intellect has made perfect peace with it. i wish that my heart could. is this about a man? yes. of course. what else? two, actually. one who is dead and gone and another who is well on his way.
death was a lovely imagination to me when i was younger. actually, not even so much younger than i am now. i’ve always done that…made terrible things into bearable ideals that are to be cherished and revered. i don’t know why. don’t care to. it just made life much easier. certainly, anyone can understand why. we are all on this plane of existence for a very short time and it can be difficult to bear the burden of that knowledge.
when you begin to outlive those around you, and their demise does not come by your hand, it raises questions that you weren’t so comfy asking before. personally, i feel that we’re all here to perform a singular task. that task can be anything from offering the tiniest kindness to a stranger at the exact moment he, or she, needs to hear it in order to complete his/her task, to inventing or discovering something that will change the world. to me, that answers that old question about why some people die of lung cancer at 30, while others live to be in their 90’s, still puffing away till they finally pass on, peacefully, in their sleep. none of it matters. the only thing that matters is that damn task. that one thing. that moment that we were born for. see? simple. except that none of us ever knows what that task is. not ever. until right after we perform it. we only know then because our clock starts ticking down…to…zero.
it’s so very early, but still a couple of hours from sun-up here, in Mayberry. i fell asleep in my recliner for a couple of hours, and i dreamed of terrifying things. i was happy when my eyes flew open and i caught my breath. i often wonder if dreams aren’t simply another life we live all the time, but can only see when our ‘alpha’ life allows. the alpha life being the one we are consciously aware of living here, in this dimension.
i don’t see how we could be limited to a singular dimension, really. we are made of such stuff that i see no reason that we can’t jump the fence now and again, should we see fit. however, i, for one, am happy that my alpha dimension is the way it is. the other is like Hell come to my door. i know, i know…this sounds nuts. but i don’t think it’s any more nuts than the idiots at NASA and those ridiculous think tanks come up with. normal people are as adept at critical thinking as the most highly educated scientist. why? because wondering about where we come from and where we are going is as normal as breathing. nobody has to teach us to breathe. why must we be taught that, without a piece of paper, our thoughts are any less relevant than any others?
i guess i’m just going through some crap right now. i never got a degree…Hell, i never graduated high school. all i did was marry and raise a couple of boys, and a few more that were not my own, but were my sons, no less. i kept my vows to the bitter end and i worked a very difficult job for most of my adult life. i’m just a regular person with a million questions, but only half a million answers.
maybe that’s my thing…when i get my answers, i’m outta here. i wonder, sometimes…i honestly do.