Wanted: Dead or Alive?


It’s quietly beautiful in Mayberry this morning. The cool air gently blows thru the window. It replaces the scent of my worst habit, (smoking), with the smell of life, clean and simple. The sun is lazy this morning as it takes its sweet time to rise, offering time for a nice stretch before its vulgar glare blasts onto the scene.

The silence reminds me that I am witnessing something sacred; something taken for granted day in, and day out. If only I could remember that each new day is truly a gift from God… Life gets so busy, I suppose that having this time to reflect is also a gift. Also, I’m nearly pain-free this morning, and my fingers glide across my keyboard without hesitation. That’s a great feeling…not feeling pain. Be it physical, or mental, it seems to control everything about me these days. I’m growing quite tired of it and don’t intend to abide either physical pain, or heartfelt distress, for much longer. It is no way to live.

My oldest son and, hopefully, his wife, will be coming up to visit at October’s end. We will, at last, be putting Bennie to rest; his boys, spreading his ashes over this land he loved so much. It’s about time…he’s been gone one and a half years, after all. Lately, I’ve seen him roaming around this tiny house fairly regularly. I don’t even believe in such things, yet I find it disturbing that he is unaware that I’m here. Sometimes, I wonder if he’s the one who passed, or was it me? There’s really no way of knowing, when you think about it. We have no idea what happens when we die. Not really. We believe in this, or that, and we live accordingly. Even so…not one person can tell you what life after death is like from firsthand experience. Hmmm…

If I am dead, I can’t decide if I’m in Heaven or Hell. Of course, if I’ve expired, the bad things mean nothing…which would mean I’m in Heaven. If the bad things really do mean something, then I’m still a fortunate one, because they aren’t so bad that I’d say I’m very deep in Hellfire and such. Winning! Although, in the lovliness of this morning, I now have a new burning question: Am I dead, or am I alive? Is the Bennie I see walking around here real and I’m looking from the outside in? Or…hmmmm. Shit. Just what I need; Another question.

I think I’ll get busy and try to forget that I even thought that thought. But, truth being what it is, I will most likely scour the web for information on how one might be certain whether, or not, they are alive. If you find that to be silly, then you haven’t taken even a minute to consider it. Really. Think about it. Who’s to say that we, or anyone we interact with, are truly living? Even in a metaphorical sense, what would the answer mean? Any answer to that question should be life changing. It involves gratitude and sentimental leanings that tug at our core. Faith…lack thereof…more questions about us and God and all that surrounds us in this big, big, world.

I’m certainly not even close to being the first person to ask this question. Much larger brains than mine have taken their best shot at the answer. Yet, in the stillness of a Mayberry morning, it bears asking, once more…

2 thoughts on “Wanted: Dead or Alive?

  1. such deep questions… and those which a lot of us ponder about, especially asking if we’ve died already. I’m a Christian, so I do believe in Heaven. There is a specific “look” that is believed over most Christian denominations. However, it might e completely different.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m a Christian, too, but my world changed when my husband, Bennie, passed. Though my beliefs are firm, I do wonder if we are clear on what awaits us. The Bibles says that to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord. But, I don’t know what that may mean. I need to study more. Much more. Sometimes, the only thing I know that’s true is Almighty God, His son, and the Holy Spirit. Yet, I realize there is so much I don’t understand about the Trinity, or…anything anymore. Life…wow. 🙂


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