My head hurts. Not much feeling like facing this morning…this day. Waiting on meds to kick in and erase the me and transform me to the she. She’s the one people like. I’m the one they avoid.
Last evening, I was staring at Bennie’s picture, thinking about that giant bill for a surgery that he, and all parties involved, knew he couldn’t survive. Yeah, I was ticked off, as usual, about it. Mad at him. So extremely pissed at those ghouls that did the surgery. Wondering why it went down the way it did. Then, like a bolt of lightning, I realized that the reason why he agreed to the surgery was so he’d be knocked out when he died…he’d never feel that horrible pain, or lie in a hospital bed wondering when the end was coming. They knew it was going to be that day, but they did not know the hour or minute that Death would come for him. He agreed to the surgery so that he could decide when his time would come. Bless his heart. I understand now, and I feel so relieved. It’s a huge load off my shoulders to finally get it.
It means everything to me to know. Finally, an answer in a sea of a million ‘whys’.