Out like a cash register.
In the silence of the wee hours, I dream of you
Beyond the Veil, I see you, in shadow
Just beyond my reach
So begin dreams within dreams…
I can’t seem to rest tonight. Memories entangle themselves with stark reality. My bed…empty. My life…lonely. My heart is so full of regret that I don’t think it possible to forgive myself.
I was unkind. Cruel. Even though he who was pricked by the thorn of my unyielding heart was, ironically, a prick, I should have shown mercy to the sick man who made me his bride decades ago. At the time, it made sense that one should receive cruelty as reward for the same. I never gave it a second thought. I stupidly assumed that the day for forgiveness would come, but not until I decided to invite it to my twisted lil party.
It is true that my behavior was sown with the seeds of betrayal. I felt justified. Righteous, even. I never dreamed that things would end so abruptly. Before I could close the door on my season of vengeance, Death came calling and closed the door for me. Then, He locked it.
It’s been twenty-four months, today. Twenty-four months since Death took the man I’d grown to hate, and began my mournful lesson. He has been faithful to teach me what true regret is. I’ve learned how a hard heart cannot hold its own against the silence of a vantablack night. And I have come to understand that tears have a will of their own. I am broken…an A+ student, no doubt.
As I write these lines, I am called to remembrance of the last I saw of the man who was, and always will be, my love. I am in his hospital room; he is on his deathbed. I reach out and take his freezing, swollen, stiff hand in mine. I lean down to kiss his forehead. I beg him to come back and forgive me for being so unkind. There is no blame. I offer no excuse. He knows why. But none of it matters because he has been whisked away, beyond the Veil, and I am left to learn my guilty lesson; forever and always, awaiting my day of forgiveness.