Me & Paul

I haven’t posted in ages. Life has been much too overwhelming of late to be able to find words to convey the way I feel about it. Pain days have been many, as have very low pain days. I’m grateful for that. More important than any of that, I met a man and I’m in love.
The man of whom I speak comes from London. Yes, we met online. Just a friendly exchange on Facebook. But then there was something more. An overwhelming feeling that I found my other half. Although I had spent many hours gazing at his picture and hanging on every word he posted for most of the year, I never dreamed that we’d hit it off the way we did. It’s like we’re two pieces of the same puzzle. We finish each other’s sentences and share so much in common that it’s crazy. We both love metal and the simple things and each other. I’m probably going ’round in circles talking about him, but I can’t help it and I don’t care to edit. I feel blessed beyond words.
Exish and I had a good conversation this evening. He agrees that we really are separated and that he can handle it and will stop trying to hang on. I don’t know what I’d have done had he not said that. I’ve been feeling so trapped lately…as though someone will have to hurt in order for me to be happy. I am not certain that I could ever by happy under those circumstances. Who could? The good thing is that I don’t have to keep Paul under wraps as much. I did tell Exish that I was in love with Paul, but I still wouldn’t talk on the phone with him in front of Exish because I didn’t want to hurt feelings or cause trouble. I’m so happy to know that won’t be the case any longer…that Exish will share in the responsibility of rebuilding our seperate lives and moving on. That’s the most manly thing he’s ever done for me. And I appreciate it.
Paul will be coming for a visit in the relatively near future. I cannot wait to finally touch him. He’s so…yummy and wonderful. And, while I’m positive there will be things we hate about one another, I think that we communicate well enough to get through those things. Or at least fight it out without one of us walking away. Hey…in my book that’s a damn good thing.
Love is a funny thing, though. Once you’re beyond the ‘in love’ stage, there is no telling where it will go. Both people must be mindful of the dedication involved to keep things together when you can’t ‘feel’ all that new love. In all honesty, I hate the fact that I let myself fall in love. It bugs the shit out of me. But then I hear his voice, or get a message from him and I’m in love all over again…the risk is worth it. Before you judge, consider the divorce rate. Paul and I, two near-total strangers, have odds as high of staying together as people who have dated for years. Soooooo…yeah. I’m gonna roll the dice. See what happens. Enjoy this man. That’s what I’m going to do.

*Warning: Adult Content ‘Give Me One Good Reason…’

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I’ve been going through a lot of changes recently. For one, my sex drive has gone through the roof. Another: I’ve been talking to a few people. Met one. Did not click. But, it’s all good. The point is, I know I’m really not ready to put myself out there. I’m not in good shape, to put it mildly. And I’m still living with Exish. No job. Undecided on what I’m going to do for money. Something that keeps coming up is that, perhaps, I should become a pro Domina. A woman of my size fills a certain niche in the profession and it’s excellent money. But it’s my preferred lifestyle, so I don’t know if I want to do it professionally. Yes, I am aware of the legalities, as well.

The situation with Exish is odd. It’s strained. Aside from being separated, but living together for five years now, there is a jealousy issue on his end. He, being aware that I talk to other men, has been rather agitated. So, I struck a deal with him: I’ll sleep with him as long as he leaves me be and I can do as I please in peace. Yeah, I know. Icky. That’s not the whole of the deal, but it’s all I’m willing to post about. It gets much worse. And, I accept that. It’s on me. Fine. Whatever. I just need to be free. But, I’d trade all of that freedom if he’d give me one GOOD reason to stay. Do I love him? Of course. With all my heart. In a motherly way, at this point. I feel very protective of him. I worry about him constantly because of his addiction and general condition, healthwise. I worry that he’ll never be okay. I worry that, if I leave, he’s going to kill himself with drugs. Honestly, at times, I worry that I’ll be in danger if I leave him. He’s never been physically abusive, but something he said to me when we were negotiating the ‘deal’ chilled me to the bone.

Even though we have this deal, I don’t rub my socializing in Exish’s face. I haven’t gone on a date or anything. And, the only person I would really and truly like to spend the night with will be here after Exish goes back to work. S is a younger man who is turning into a good friend. We talk every day, but we’re not going for a relationship…just sex. I’ve never done that before, and never thought I would. It always seemed slutty and gross to me. Friends with benefits. Really, now? Hmmm…However, I guess things change. He is also a dominant and we get along great. It’s very cerebral. I enjoy that aspect of S&M very much. I also enjoy switching, so he and I are a great match. Then there is a man in San Antonio who was recently widowed. He just needs a substitute wife. He sends me romantic messages every morning and night. They are so sweet they make me cry sometimes. I feel so bad for him. Though his marriage of twenty years was rocky, he’s using me to live those first good years he had with his wife again. He has no idea where I live, nor will he ever. It makes me feel good to fill a little spot for him. Then, there’s J. He’s a dirt track racer. I saw his profile on a dating site. There was no picture, so I asked that he email one. When I opened the email, I was stunned. He looked exactly like a friend of my son’s did right before he died. OMG. It was like seeing a ghost. I continued to chat with him by phone simply because I was so intrigued by that face. After a while, we developed feelings, I suppose. He’s a country boy with solid values…someone you can count on. But, when Exish came home two weeks ago, we stopped talking, for the most part. He texts me every few days to say he’ll wait. I’m not comfortable with anyone waiting on me. I’m going to email him this very evening and tell him not to…wait. I know how it feels and it sucks. Besides, I am positive there is someone better for him than me. He’s got this wild innocence about him. I totally dig it. But I can’t be the one. You know?

Well…I guess that’s it. Although, the above paragraphs barely scratch the surface, my life is changing in profound ways. I welcome the changes. I’ve discussed things with my mother. She fully supports me. She thinks I’ve wasted too much time with a man who can’t even tolerate the sound of my voice. I just wish I was one of those women who can just up and leave with a big ol FUCK YOU!, but I’m not. I’ll figure it out. Just not today…

Adios, Mr. Wonderful!

Since I was so confused and agitated about my moral issues yesterday, I decided to spread it around a little. So, I called Mr. Wonderful and picked a fight with him. Of course, this was after he sent me pictures of his enormous…I shit you not…ENORMOUS penis. Frankly, I’m happy that I started that argument and handled it like a complete child, driving him way way awayyyyy. I don’t think I could bring myself to deal with a johnson the size of a fire hydrant. Holy shit!

It’s funny how quickly people will haul ass the minute you start shit with them. It’s just like the scene in Fight Club, where they were supposed to start fights with random strangers. Nobody wanted to fight them, no matter how hard they tried to pick a fight. It’s human nature. You’re either confrontational, or you’re not.  But you’d think that a verbal spar wouldn’t be so daunting to some people. Frankly, I love it. A good fight is like rain…it clears the air and lets you in on secrets that would never come out under less pressurized circumstances. It’s basically verbal recon.

Anyway…that’s the update. I haven’t slept all night because I’m hurting physically and am sort of in a pissy mood. So I tanked up on DayQuil and I feel pretty damn good. lol! It won’t last, but I’ll enjoy it for now. I got a lot done on the house and that’s always a good thing. For me. Miss Unorganized.

Love Hate Sex Pain/You Gonna Burn For This, Girl

One man’s sin is another man’s pleasure. The Bible says that if your heart does not condemn you, you stand not condemned. As I sit here this morning, I feel as though I stand condemned. Because I just can’t let go of someone who kills me inside, yet still has my heart in his hand.

I’m not formally divorced, nor am I legally separated from my husband of almost thirty years. Almost five years ago, I got my things together and left. I had to. I could not take another moment caught up in the pain machine. During the time I was gone, many things happened, one in particular, that demanded my immediate return. And, so, like the faithful do-gooder that I am, I went home.

Throughout these last years, we’ve had separate bedrooms, as I have held fast to my initial proclamation that we are separated. As many times as I have made that proclamation, Exish has proclaimed the exact opposite. In his world, it’s cut and dry…you are married until the lawyer cashes his check. It is also a given that, if you are married, you are owned. Like a cow or a horse. Chattel.

Here’s the rub: Lately, I’ve been very lonely out here in the woods. There are no distractions. Initially, I thought I would enjoy being alone and that I’d get on with the decorating and whatsuch of the house we moved into almost two months ago. Then, that little thing happened with the man I met on that dating site. The site I went on just to see what a cyber relationship might be like. That led to phone conversations…phone sex…then a very abrupt ending that left me feeling very off kilter. The emotional exchange, however brief, that technology affords us, in the way it exists today, is something that we’re not all prepared for, I suppose. I mean…who didn’t experiment when the net first came to be? I did. It was fun. It was just new and fun to talk about sex/have cyber sex with strangers. It was a novelty that lost its shine for me when I ended up with a stalker who, oddly enough, did not pursue me as a sexual partner until right at the last of it, four years later.

Even though I deleted, or tried to, my account from the dating site, and two others, I am still getting messages and alerts from them. In the last week or so, I’ve been chatting with this one and that one and having a good time. Until I met someone who seriously got to me. By that, I mean that I feel an extreme emotional connection with this person. I checked him out…he’s who he says he is, etc. He’s a very nice man, and we just clicked. He lives in Dallas, which is about ninety miles away. He works and I haven’t agreed to go there to meet him. I told him I’d be gone for the weekend, so he can’t come here. But I want him to. I didn’t expect that I’d actually want that. Or that I could truly see a future with anyone but Exish. I’m not so naive that I believe this particular guy is Mr. Wonderful and there is some forever type thing going on between us. However, I do feel as though we are moving in a direction that will lead us to meet, at the very least. Once that happens, everything changes.

When I woke up this morning, I felt sick inside. I mean…guilt like I haven’t felt in my lifetime. I felt disgusting and dirty and low and I just wanted it to go away. I think that, for the first time, I felt like I was cheating on Exish. I’m a lot of things, but I’m no liar and I’m no cheater. That’s Exish’s department. I’m the one who can resist anything, and will go to any length, to protect what I hold dear.

I’m not sure what I’m going to do about this situation. Exish will be home from the job in a few weeks. I did tell him I was talking to someone, but played it off like I was just messing with them. As if I need a reason to talk to anyone, for any reason. I didn’t want Exish’s permission, but I wanted him to know that I’m trying to put a toe in the water…to give him a head’s up. That’s something he never gave me. The flipside of that is that I now realize that I do have serious love for Exish. We’ve been together so long. I don’t want to hurt him. I don’t care what he’s done, I can’t be the one to hurt him the way he’s hurt me. I think that when you know how something feels…something like betrayal…it has to be the last thing you’d want to make anyone else feel.

I think I’m going to turn off my phone and get busy around here. Lay low and let myself settle down. I don’t think it would be cheating if I had ten men in my bed, but…emotionally…if I felt connected to only one, I think it might be.

Words Flow, Hearts Flutter

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the screen shines brightly

and, there, i find him

a man

he’s dreamy and sweet

kind and good

his heart beats with the love of tradition

heritage

manliness

words on a screen

explain to me this man

whom i do not know

never intend to meet

because a man like him

well, he deserves someone special

someone shiny and happy and trusting

someone who will take his breath away

but when we chat

i feel something

something lost along the way

found again, new

and…and i wish i knew

how to be that shiny happy beautiful thing

that he so richly deserves

but that’s just not me

yet

Word Vomit. But Just A Little.

So, in a hideous fit of lonliness/curiousity, I purchased a one month membership to Alt.com. Thus far, I am absolutely nonplussed. I think that I’m not ready for that much kink. And, since I am not showing any of my naughty bits on profile, traffic is a bit slow on my profile. I do like FetLife. Although, I did get a message from a young man who claimed to be twenty seven, but who I am pretty certain was all of fifteen.

I’m beginning to make changes in life. Many of these changes lead me back to my old self. She was much different than I. She would have crossed a street to avoid me, now. Damn…she was a real bitch. But, I digress…

Exish left for the job this afternoon. I don’t know why I can’t wait for him to leave, but when he does I miss him. I will say that it’s much easier to love him when I’m not in the same room with him. And, in spite of what he says, we are separated. I have a right to a happy life. And, I have nothing to feel bad about…I did my part and I did my best. He did not. That’s not my fault.

random is as random does

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this pic has absolutely nothing to do with this post, but it’s my favorite

This has been such a peaceful day. In spite of not sleeping since Wedesday, I felt pretty good today. Chatted with some cool people online. Now I’m sitting here, listening to Judas Priest, awaiting Exish’s arrival.

I enjoy living so much more when he’s gone. When he leaves, the negativity goes with him. I can turn off the TV, open the windows and listen to the birds…I can breathe. He’ll be leaving Monday to go to a job about five hours away. That’s is SO cool with me!

He bought me a new pistola for the house. She’s a beauty. Taurus .357 magnum. I still sort of like my little ..22. It’s got a history behind it. I love it when things have a story. Inanimate objects, once used by humans to perpetrate whatever nefarious thing they choose. It’s so silly when people say that guns kill people. Well, of course they do. If some fucktwit picks one up and uses it for no good reason. Other than that, they just sit there. No, really…they do.

I’m so random tonight. Someone I met online was supposed to call and I was so nervous I had a panic attack and took an extra med to calm me down. Then a benadryl because my allergies have gone batshit crazy. Then some DayQil because the other stuff was really knocking me out. Even now, I am writing this with one eye closed, because if I don’t, I’ll see double! lol! Holy shit…Then, the guy decided he didn’t want to call me after he saw my real pic. He is the first person I’ve sent my picture to since a man calling himself Memnoch stalked me for four years, but that’s another story.

It’s weird to be rejected when you already told the person, “Look, I’m fat and I’m bossy and am not your type.” Whatever. It does stand as testament to the power of the written word and the power of fantasy/thought on human beings. But, when confronted with reality, things change. It’s much like the way we leave a book on our nightstand and go about our day. It was fun having feelings for a few hours, though. That’s normally not an issue for me. I’m at my lowest point in my entire life. I am numb as fuck. I might get angry, but there isn’t really a full range of emotion for me to draw from. It is what it is.

OMG…Exish will be home in an hour. He’s going to be pissed because the window is up and I’m here alone. Who fucking cares? I am armed to the teeth, and almost out of smokes. By all means, kick my door in. I could give a fuck.

When Exish leaves, it’s diet and exercise time. I just need some time to myself, for myself, so I can get my shit squared away. When Exish is here, he sucks the life out of me and I feel paralyzed and I don’t even try. And I don’t want him to see me try. Does that sound strange? The man looks at me like I’m his worst nightmare. He doesn’t like the sound of my voice, so I have to watch how much I talk to him. And I better damn well watch my tone. It’s too much. He’s never abused me physically or anything, but he’s taken everything that was good and happy and joyful inside of me and pissed on it. He made me hate myself enough to nearly double my body weight. Because I am the type of person that needs something external to cope. I don’t have the internal capacity to just deal with my life. I never have.

When I was 18, I was put into and eating disorder unit for six weeks because I was bullemarexic. While I was there, I got sober for the first time since I was nine. But I did great after I got out. I was an aerobics instructor, I worked out every day…worked the program. The whole nine. Then I got married. Funny how things change with that fucking ring goes on your hand.

I don’t blame anyone but myself for being how I am now. I accept full responsibility. But I do know and understand that certain people bring certain things out in me. Everyone has someone like that in their life. So…when my soul sucker leaves, I’m getting on my path again. Thirty years later.

Cyber Sexuality?

I’ve been online for quite some time. As a result, I’ve been in some interesting conversations, if you will. The sort of conversations that start out: …whispering in your ear…telling you how much I want you to… Then, they move on to things like: …my hand travels down…feeling every inch of your…chest…then, lower…lower…until….finally… To be honest, I have found many of these encounters to be quite satisfying, although none can compare to the sexual existence I once had. In any case, I do believe that they speak to the power of the written word. That, in a nutshell, is what I intend to explore on this page. More to come, ladies and gents!